Covert Depression in Men: Why It’s Missed + How It Impacts Relationships

I am passionate about male mental health for several reasons. My first exposure to this issue was in high school when a close friend of mine lost his brother to suicide. Then just 12 months later, my friend himself also took his own life. Neither one of them exhibited overt signs they were suffering. These experiences deeply shaped my understanding and commitment to supporting men’s mental well-being. I also believe that men often face unique challenges in mental health due to societal expectations and gender roles which can impact how they share their inner experiences and seek support.

In my work, I often meet men who are doing everything they’re supposed to be doing—and yet something inside them feels off.

They’re showing up to work. They’re providing for their families. From the outside, life looks functional, even successful. But inside, there’s a growing sense of disconnection and an emptiness. They’re more irritable than they used to be. Less patient. Emotionally flatter. They might be working longer hours, drinking more, or pulling away from the people they love without fully understanding why.

For some men, depression doesn’t show up as sadness at all –It shows up as anger, numbness, restlessness, overwork, or emotional shutdown. This is what’s known as covert depression—a form of depression that hides behind behaviours that are often normalised or even rewarded in our culture. Because it doesn’t fit the usual picture of depression, it often goes unnamed and untreated for years.

The cost of covert depression is high. Covert depression doesn’t just affect the man experiencing it; it quietly shapes their relationships, their sense of self, and the emotional climate of their family. And until it’s recognised for what it is, everyone involved is left trying to solve the wrong problem.

What is Covert Male Depression

Much of what I understand about covert depression comes from the work of my favourite therapist Terry Real, who has named this pattern so clearly in his book, “I Don’t Want to Talk About It”.

Covert depression isn’t about feeling overwhelmingly sad. It’s about feeling emotionally constricted. Many men describe it as numbness, pressure, or a sense of always being “on” without ever really resting.

Instead of sadness, I hear things like:

• “I’m always irritated.”

• “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

• “I can’t switch off.”

• “I feel disconnected from my partner and kids.”

• “I can’t feel anything”

This kind of depression is often quiet and chronic. It hides inside behaviours that look productive on the surface—working harder, staying busy, pushing through. But underneath, there’s often a deep sense of emptiness or shame.

Many of the struggles we commonly associate with men—difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, drinking, anger, controlling behaviour—aren’t signs that something is wrong with them. They’re often attempts to cope with depression without having to feel it directly.

If overt depression collapses inward, covert depression keeps men moving so they don’t collapse or feel overcome with overwhelming feelings.

How Men Learn to Disconnect

Boys and men often experience depression because of what Real calls normal boyhood trauma under patriarchy—they are taught at three, four, five years old to deny their vulnerability, to disconnect from their feelings, to disconnect from others, all in the name of autonomy. They cut off half of their humanity—the feelings, the vulnerability, connection—really the most rich, nourishing parts of what it means to be a human.

Think about yourself or the boys and men in your life. When were you/they first told to “man up”? When did you/they learn that crying was weakness? When did you/they realise that showing fear or sadness would get you/them rejected, abandoned or worse, punished —maybe not by parents, but certainly by peers? For most boys, the achievement of masculine identity is not an acquisition so much as a disavowal—boys and men, when asked to describe masculinity, predominantly respond with double negatives, not talking about being strong so much as about not being weak.

This kind of emotional cutting-off is a form of trauma. It teaches boys to survive by abandoning parts of themselves. And while that adaptation may help them get through childhood, it often becomes the foundation for depression later in life—depression that doesn’t look like despair, but like disconnection, addiction (drug, sex, alcohol, porn, work for example), rage and control.

The Legacy That Gets Passed Down

Depression rarely exists in isolation. It often sits within family patterns that go back generations.

In sessions, we frequently uncover stories of fathers or grandfathers who were emotionally distant, volatile, or absent—not because they didn’t care, but because they never learned how to stay emotionally present for themselves or others.

Sometimes the trauma was obvious. Other times it was quiet—what we might call emotional neglect. The absence of attunement. The lack of comfort. The sense that feelings were something to manage alone.

Boys adapt in ways that make sense for them at the time. They become achievers. Providers. Problem-solvers. These strategies help them survive early life, but as adults, they can keep them disconnected from intimacy and from themselves.

Without awareness, these patterns are passed on. Sons learn how men handle emotions. Daughters learn what to expect from men. The cycle continues unless it’s consciously interrupted.

How Covert Depression Affects Relationships

Partners often describe feeling lonely, shut out, or as though they’re carrying the emotional weight of the relationship alone. They may feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells, unsure which version of their partner they’ll encounter.

This isn’t because the man doesn’t care. It’s because many men have learned to base their worth on competence, productivity, and performance. When they feel they’re falling short—at work, at home, or in themselves—it can trigger deep shame.

Both partners end up feeling misunderstood and alone, often blaming each other rather than the pattern itself.

Commonly, the strategies men use to disconnect from overwhelming feelings within, like for example, addiction (drug, sex, alcohol, gambling, porn, work…), rage and control. are very often destructive symptoms of the underlying cause; covert depression. And it is often, engaging in these strategies that can be so hurtful and destructive in relationships, often leading to separation or divorce.

Why This Struggle Stays Hidden

One of the reasons covert depression persists is shame.

Men aren’t just struggling with depression; they’re struggling with the belief that they shouldn’t be struggling. Emotional pain is often experienced as personal failure, rather than a human response to stress, loss, or disconnection.

Culturally, we still reward stoicism and self-reliance. Depressed women are more likely to turn pain inward. Depressed men are more likely to externalise it—through anger, withdrawal, or compulsive behaviour.

This makes male depression harder to recognise and easier to mislabel.

This reminds me of a powerful moment Brene Brown shares.  At one of her talks, a man approached her and enquired why she doesn’t write about men and vulnerability, he went on to say, “they’d (pointing to his wife and daughter standing behind him) rather see me die on top of my white horse then fall down”.  In other words, they’d rather see me die than fall down and collapse on the inside. This moment highlights the intense pressure men face to uphold an image of strength, even at the cost of their wellbeing. It’s a poignant example of how societal expectations can deepen the silence and isolation around male vulnerability.

Moreover, it’s crucial to acknowledge that women (myself included!) often unintentionally, perpetuate these societal constructs. When women hold the expectation that men should appear strong, or insinuate there is something wrong with our partners when they show signs of being overwhelmed, it can reinforce the very barriers that prevent men from opening up contributing to the cycle of covert depression.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

When I talk with men about recovery, I’m honest: healing covert depression usually means doing the very things they were taught to avoid.

It means slowing down instead of staying busy. Feeling instead of numbing. Learning what different feelings feel like in their bodies. Naming sadness, fear, and grief without immediately trying to fix them.

Often, covert depression needs to become visible before it can heal.

Recovery tends to involve:

• Recognising the pattern, rather than blaming personality or circumstances

• Reducing numbing behaviours that keep feelings at bay

• Learning to tolerate emotion without shutting down or acting out

• Developing relational skills—asking for help, staying present, allowing closeness

This work is challenging. And it’s also deeply transformational and freeing.

A Revised Definition of Strength

If we want men to heal, we need a broader definition of strength.

Strength isn’t emotional silence. It isn’t endurance at all costs. It isn’t managing alone.

Real strength is the capacity to stay connected—to oneself and to others—even when things feel uncomfortable. It’s the willingness to be honest, to ask for support, and to take responsibility for patterns that no longer serve.

The men who do this work don’t just heal themselves. They change the emotional climate of their families. They show their children that being human is safe.

If This Feels Familiar

If you’re recognising yourself—or someone you love—in these words, know that this isn’t a personal failing.

Covert depression is common, treatable, and deeply misunderstood. Naming it is often the first—and most important—step toward change.

Men deserve to feel alive, not just functional.

They deserve relationships that feel connected, not guarded.

And they deserve support in learning how to feel again.

Healing takes courage. But it opens the door to a life that feels fuller, more present, and more real.