Finding Comfort in Uncertainty: Building Inner Safety Through Nervous System Regulation
I’m all about safety – safety from the inside-out. Safety from the inside-out is kind of like being bullet-proof but it’s much more relational, kinder and I believe, world changing… And if changing the world isn’t quite on your to-do list right now…know that creating safety from the inside-out will definitely change your world.
Prior to deciding that I was going to create safety on the inside, I would say my life strategy was control.
Control everything, work hard, risk nothing. It was simple and mostly unconscious.
When I learnt that control was an illusion, that is, that trying to control my environment and the people I loved and cared about (because doing things my way would keep them living wonderfully healthy lives for much longer and I would never have to live without them) was impossible and wasn’t a great strategy for winning at relationships according to some of the feedback I was receiving.
I remember thinking… “what if, no matter what happened, I knew I was going to be ok?” That would mean that I wouldn’t be afraid of the world anymore. And if I wasn’t afraid of what would happen, I could ease up on this whole control thing… This seemed like a pretty ideal outcome.
For me, safety on the inside means I can more fully engage in life – I can risk being hurt, be present for hard conversations, love well with a big heart, try new things that I’m probably terrible at and live the life I really want to live. Does this mean I no longer feel fearful and shaky when doing these things? No. I still feel shaky and overwhelmed at times but I remember, no matter what, I’m going to be ok and I can move towards the thing – instead of away from it.
Enter in the nervous system…
That flutter in your chest during a difficult conversation with your partner, the tension in your shoulders when facing a deadline, or the sudden calm that washes over you when a friend offers genuine support? These aren’t random - they’re your nervous system at work, constantly scanning for safety and danger in every moment of your life.
The Science of Feeling Safe
Dr. Stephen Porges’ groundbreaking Polyvagal Theory offers us a roadmap for understanding how our nervous system shapes every aspect of our lives, particularly how we feel on the inside and of course, our intimate relationships. The polyvagal theory recognises that our autonomic nervous system operates through three distinct pathways or states, each designed to help us navigate the world:
The ventral vagal state - is our optimal zone—where we feel safe, connected, and socially engaged. In this state, we can think clearly, communicate effectively, and genuinely connect with others. This is where healing, growth, and secure attachment become possible.
Summary:
Feelings: Calm, grounded, hopeful, connected, open
Body: Easy breath, relaxed muscles, warm face/chest
Thoughts: “I can handle this,” “I’m okay,” “We can figure this out.”
The sympathetic state - mobilizes us for action when we perceive threat. This is our fight-or-flight response, essential for survival but exhausting when activated chronically. In this state, we might feel anxious, irritable, or constantly “on edge.”
Summary:
Feelings: Angry, anxious, overwhelmed, restless
Body: Fast heart rate, tense muscles, shallow breathing
Thoughts: “I need to escape,” “I need to defend,” “This is too much.”
The dorsal vagal state - represents our shutdown response—when threats feel overwhelming, our system goes into conservation mode. We might feel numb, collapsed, depressed, disconnected, foggy, or deeply fatigued.
Feelings: Numb, hopeless, disconnected, frozen
Body: Heavy limbs, low energy, slow breath
Thoughts: “I can’t,” “What’s the point,” “I’m alone.”
The Path to Secure Attachment
Deb Dana, a clinician who has brilliantly translated Polyvagal Theory into practical application, emphasizes that nervous system regulation isn’t just about managing stress—it’s about cultivating the internal sense of safety that allows us to form secure attachments, both with ourselves and others.
When we learn to regulate our nervous system, we’re essentially developing what many of us didn’t fully receive in childhood: a reliable, internalized sense of safety. This becomes the foundation for what attachment researchers call “earned secure attachment”—the ability to develop secure relationship patterns even if our early experiences were challenging.
The beauty of nervous system regulation is that it offers us a second chance. Through consistent practice of co-regulation with safe others and self-regulation techniques, we can literally reshape our nervous system’s default settings. We can learn to recognise our internal states, understand what triggers shifts between them, and develop the capacity to guide ourselves back to safety.
Why Regulation Matters in Daily Life
Life continuously presents us with challenges, disappointments, and stressors. What distinguishes those who thrive from those who merely survive isn’t the absence of difficult, it’s the ability to respond and recover.
A regulated nervous system gives you flexibility. Instead of being hijacked by your automatic responses, you develop the capacity to:
Notice - when you’re shifting out of your window of tolerance
Name - the state you’re in without judgment
Navigate - back to a place of safety and connection
This isn’t about never feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. It’s about not getting stuck there. It’s about building resilience—the ability to bend without breaking, to experience difficult emotions without being consumed by them, and to return to a place of equilibrium.
Regulation in Relationships
Perhaps nowhere is nervous system regulation more crucial than in our relationships. Our nervous systems are constantly communicating with those around us through a process Porges calls “neuroception”. Neuroception describes the subconscious detection of safety or danger in our environment – this happens four times every second.
The Relationship With Ourselves
When we’re regulated, we can offer ourselves compassion rather than criticism. We can sit with uncomfortable feelings without immediately trying to fix, numb, or escape them. We develop what Dana calls a “friendly relationship” with our nervous system, understanding its signals as information rather than inconvenience.
Relationship conflict through a nervous system lens
In couples therapy, understanding nervous system regulation transforms how partners approach relationship conflict and communication. Many couples seeking marriage counselling or relationship therapy discover that their arguments aren’t really about dishes, finances, or schedules—they’re about two nervous systems struggling to feel safe with each other.
When couples fight, both partners’ nervous systems often shift into defensive states simultaneously. One partner might move into sympathetic activation (becoming critical, raised voice, pursuing connection urgently), while the other shifts to dorsal shutdown (withdrawing, stonewalling, going quiet). This creates what couples therapists call a “pursue-withdraw pattern”—one of the most common dynamics addressed in couples therapy.
Building emotional safety in relationships
Couples therapy that incorporates nervous system awareness helps partners:
- Recognize each other’s nervous system states during conflict
- Understand that defensiveness isn’t personal rejection—it’s a biology-based response to perceived threat
- Learn to co-regulate, helping each other return to a state where productive conversation is possible
- Create relationship rituals that promote ventral vagal connection
- Repair more effectively after arguments or disconnection
Breaking destructive communication patterns
Many couples enter therapy because they’re caught in negative cycles—the same arguments, the same hurt feelings, the same sense of being misunderstood. Marriage counselling informed by Polyvagal Theory helps couples see that changing communication patterns requires first addressing the nervous system state from which they’re communicating. You cannot have a productive conversation about your relationship when both nervous systems are in fight-or-flight mode.
One of the most powerful aspects of intimate relationships is the capacity for co-regulation. When one partner can maintain their regulation during difficult moments, it creates what’s referred to as a “secure base”—an anchor point that helps the relationship weather emotional storms. In couples counselling, partners learn:
- How to signal safety to each other’s nervous systems
- The importance of repair after conflict
- Ways to stay present even when uncomfortable
- How to ask for what they need without criticism or blame
Couples who understand their individual and shared nervous system patterns develop greater relationship resilience. They move from reactive patterns to responsive engagement, creating the emotional intimacy many sought when they first came together.
Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships
Understanding nervous system regulation also illuminates how attachment styles play out in adult partnerships. Anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment patterns are, at their core, different nervous system strategies developed in response to early relational experiences.
In relationship therapy, couples learn how their attachment patterns interact, often creating predictable conflicts. An anxiously attached partner (sympathetic activation when threatened with disconnection) paired with an avoidantly attached partner (dorsal shutdown when feeling overwhelmed by intimacy demands) creates a classic pursue-withdraw dynamic. Couples therapy helps both partners develop earned secure attachment through nervous system regulation and new relational experiences.
Beginning Your Regulation Practice
The journey toward nervous system regulation isn’t about achieving perfect calm—it’s about developing awareness and building capacity. Some starting points include:
Tracking Your States
· Notice throughout your day which nervous system state you’re in.
· Track how long you spend in each state for each day. This helps us to better understand how we need to support ourselves and also gives us an understanding of what is happening for us.
· Get to know each state unique to your own experience of ventral vagal, sympathetic and dorsal vagal. List for each state how you feel, what happens in your body, and what thoughts you commonly think. This will help you to get to know each state intimately so they’re easier to recognise.
Building Your Regulation Toolbox
Different tools work in different states.
Breathing exercises – There are lots of free breathing apps that can support you in creating a breathing practice. Focusing on the breath has a positive effect on physical, emotional and relational wellbeing. Breath practices dynamically alter the autonomic nervous system and can be used therapeutically to calm us and preventatively as a daily practice.
Movement - the physical act of movement and bringing movement to life through your imagination can both activate the autonomic nervous system. Movement doesn’t need to be major, it can be a gentle movement of the body to take in a different view, rocking, swaying, yoga, dance are all examples of using movement to interact and affect change in your nervous system state.
Connection with safe others – calling, texting, or visiting a friend who you know you feel safe with can support you to regulate your nervous system through co-regulation. This can also be done through contact with our pets.
Time in nature – is a restorative experience. It allows our nervous system to co-regulate. It is commonly known that spending time in green spaces contributes to physical and psychological wellbeing and blue (being in or near water) spaces allows us to reduce stress and enhance wellbeing. It is so effective that eco-therapy is now an offering for therapists and there are retreats for forest bathing throughout the world.
There are many other tools you can add to your toolbox including music, reflection practices, toning, singing (better yet, join a choir so you co-regulate as a bonus) to name a few. Experiment and take note of what feels helpful for you in each state.
The Promise of Safety on the Inside
Learning to regulate your nervous system is perhaps one of the most profound acts of self-care you can undertake. It’s the foundation upon which everything else—secure attachment, meaningful relationships, resilience, and well-being—is built.
For couples, this work becomes even more powerful. When both partners commit to understanding their nervous systems, relationship therapy becomes an opportunity not just to fix problems, but to create a secure attachment bond that may have been missing in earlier relationships. Therapy, informed by nervous system science, offers a path toward genuine emotional safety and lasting intimacy.
Your nervous system has been working tirelessly to keep you safe, sometimes in ways that no longer serve you or your relationship. Through understanding and practice, you can become an active partner with your nervous system, helping it learn that the threat has passed and that safety, connection, and healing are possible—both within yourself and with those you love.
The invitation is to begin where you are, with curiosity and compassion, trusting that small shifts in regulation create profound changes in how you experience yourself, your relationships, and your life.
If you’re interested in exploring nervous system regulation in individual therapy or couples counselling, please reach out. We can work toward building the internal sense of safety that supports lasting change in your relationships.