Understanding Attachment Styles, Part 1: What Attachment Theory Offers Us

Attachment theory has become one of the most talked-about ideas in modern relationships. It shows up in podcasts, first dates (!), and therapy rooms alike, usually condensed into four words: anxious, avoidant, secure, disorganised. That shorthand is useful, but it also leaves out most of what makes the theory genuinely helpful and it can leave people feeling boxed into a label rather than better understood.

This is the first in a three-part series where we nerd out on attachment styles. But before we get into any one style, it's worth slowing down on what attachment theory is actually offering us, because a few common misunderstandings tend to get in the way of it being useful at all.

Attachment Theory – A Framework for Relational Awareness

At its core, attachment theory essentially outlines that as children, we learn what to expect from closeness and relationships. We learn whether reaching out for comfort tends to work, whether our needs are welcomed and met, and how safe it feels to depend on another person. Moreover, those early lessons and adaptation don't stay in childhood, they become a kind of relational default setting, shaping how we approach connection, disconnection, conflict, and vulnerability as adults.

Understood this way, attachment theory isn't about diagnosing what's wrong with someone or us!! It's a way of bringing awareness to something that usually operates well outside our awareness - the automatic expectations and reactions we bring into relationships without ever having consciously chosen them. That's the real value in it: not a label to adopt, but a lens that provides insight into why certain relational patterns keep showing up, so we have the option of relating differently.

Attachment theory is not just a framework for understanding our relationships with other people. The same early learning shapes the relationship we have with ourselves- whether we believe, at a fundamental level, that we're worthy of love; whether we feel safe on the inside, in our own company, without needing something outside us to settle us; and whether we can actually depend on and trust ourselves. Attachment theory also provides a lens to better understand how securely we're attached to ourselves.

With that in mind, there are a few important caveats worth naming before we go any further.

It's Not About Blaming Our Caregivers

It's easy for attachment theory to slide into caregiver-blame, and that's not a fair or accurate reading of it. Attachment ruptures can happen for many reasons that have nothing to do with a caregiver failing or falling short. Illness, grief, financial stress, disability, migration, war, systemic disadvantage, and simple lack of support can all limit how consistently present a caregiver is able to be, regardless of how much they loved their child. A caregiver can be doing their absolute best within real constraints and a child can still experience gaps in attunement that shape their attachment strategy. Understanding your attachment patterns doesn't require finding someone to blame for them but rather a framework to support greater awareness into how we do our relationships – both with ourselves and others.

You Probably Move Between Styles

Another common misunderstanding is treating attachment style as a fixed personality trait - something you simply are.  In practice, most people move between styles depending on who they're with and what's happening around them. You might feel quite secure with a close friend, more anxious with a partner during a stressful period, and more avoidant at work when emotions run high. Attachment researchers increasingly describe this as attachment being relationship-specific and context-dependent, not just one fixed trait carried into every interaction. It’s really normal that as you read about the different styles in this series that you find yourself relating to more than one.

A Way to Understand Yourself, Not a Label

An attachment style isn't who you are. It's a creative adjustment your nervous system built, often very early, to stay as safe and connected as possible given what was available to you at the time. Creative adjustments unlike identities, are responsive to new information. In my opinion, learning about attachment styles isn't to settle into a label but to notice a pattern clearly enough that it stops running on autopilot, so you have a more choice in the moment instead of an automatic, unconscious reaction.

With Awareness, Change Is Possible

None of the four styles are a life sentence. Security can be learned later in life through a steady relationship, through therapy, through consistent practice of relating differently to yourself and others. This is sometimes called earned secure attachment, and it doesn't require having had a perfect start. It requires awareness, repetition, and a willingness to try a different response than the one that feels automatic.

What's Next

Over the next two instalments, we'll look closely at each attachment style - what tends to contribute to it developing, what it can look like in adult relationships, and practical, gentle ways to move toward more secure functioning. We'll start next with avoidant/dismissive, attachment: a pattern that can look like independence and calm on the surface, while something quite different is often happening underneath.

Wherever you see yourself in these descriptions, the aim isn't to diagnose or box yourself in. It's to bring a little more awareness to patterns that have likely been shaping your relationships for a long time without your awareness and to open up the possibility of relating to yourself and the people you love a little differently.

About the Author

Biannka Brannigan is a relationship and couples therapist, psychotherapist and educator specialising in couples on the brink of separation. She helps couples understand what is happening beneath their patterns of conflict, disconnection and resentment, and develop the capacity for genuine repair and reconnection.

Biannka holds a Master’s in Gestalt Psychotherapy and a Master’s in International Community Development. She is a Certified Relational Life Therapist, trained in Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy, and has undertaken advanced study in Interpersonal Neurobiology with Dr Dan Siegel. Her work integrates relational psychotherapy, neurobiology and nervous system science to help people understand both the psychology and biology of their relationships.

Photo by JEREMY MALECKI on Unsplash