Why does my relationship feel so hard? How understanding the 3 Phases of love in relationships could provide the relief couples are looking for

Relationships can be both fulfilling and challenging, and it’s not uncommon to experience periods of where things feel difficult. Understanding the different phases of love can provide insight into why your relationship might be going through a tough time.  These stages reflect the natural progression and challenges that couples commonly face throughout their relationship and include, Harmony: Love without Knowledge, Disillusionment/Disharmony and True Intimacy.  

 These stages are not linear, rather, they can overlap or repeat in various ways within a relationship.  Having awareness of these phases can support couples to more confidently navigate the changing dynamics of their relationship and perhaps support you to answer some of the fundamental questions you have rolling around in your mind… Whether you are embarking on a new romance or seeking to strengthen an existing relationship, the following will support you to understand the stages that shape your most cherished relationships.

Harmony - Love without knowledge

Often described as the honeymoon phase, this phase is typically characterized by intense feelings of passion, excitement, and infatuation. During this phase, couples are deeply in love, have a strong sense of connection and often experience a sense of euphoria – “how did I get this lucky?”.  Think…loads of happy hormones!  Couples will often prioritize spending time together, exploring shared interests, and building a foundation for their relationship. Communication flows easily, and conflicts tend to be minimal.  Whilst all of this amazingness is happening, there is also a tendency for couples to idealise their partner and…overlook some habits, behaviours etc.

The potency of passion, love and hormones during this time, supports individuals to live very consciously with their prefrontal cortex firing on all cylinders.  The prefrontal cortex is involved in higher-order cognitive functions such as decision-making, social cognition, emotional regulation, and empathy, all of which are important for forming and maintaining relationships. 

From a relationship perspective, the prefrontal cortex helps individuals to make decisions about how they interact with others, allowing them to consider the consequences of their actions and choose behaviours that promote healthy and positive relationships. It enables us to understand social cues, interpret others' emotions, and respond appropriately in social situations. This region of the brain also plays a role in empathy, allowing us to understand and share the feelings of others. 

Equally as important, the prefrontal cortex is involved in emotional regulation, helping us manage our ownemotions and respond to the emotions of our partners or loved ones effectively. It allows us to suppress impulsive or inappropriate behaviours, communicate our needs and desires, and navigate conflicts or challenges within relationships.

The Harmony phase of a relationship is typically characterised by loads of love, adventure and affection.  This phase is an important stage in relationships as couples lay a solid foundation of trust, open communication, and mutual respect. Couples can focus on building emotional intimacy and understanding each other's love languages and needs.  It is also important to recognise that the intense passion and infatuation of this stage may naturally fade over time as couples return to normalcy with needing more sleep, work/family commitments and so on. 

 Disillusionment/Disharmony

As the Harmony stage fades, couples enter the Disillusionment/Disharmony stage.   This stage is characterised by an increased awareness of differences, disagreements, and conflicts. The initial excitement and idealisation of the partner starts to wane, revealing individual needs, desires, personal histories and their unique way of coping when life gets tough.

 This is the stage, where couples may find themselves looking at their partners thinking something to the effect of; “Who are you?” “You’ve changed”, “You’re just like your mother/father”, “I don’t think we are meant for each other”, “Life would be easier on my own” and so on.  This phase is when couples really get to know their partner and it can often feel like the amazing love and connection they once had, has…well… left the building. 

This doesn’t mean couples are in a bad relationship or marriage, this simply means they’re in a relationship…long-term. 

In my experience, the catalyst for shifting into Disillusionment/Disharmony is stress.  When we are under stress, we go into survival…which means the prefrontal cortex goes offline…affectionately known as ‘flipping one’s lid’.  When our lid has flipped, our brain is no longer integrated and the limbic system (particularly the amygdala and the hippocampus), is essentially running the show.  The limbic system is primarily involved in the storage of emotions, traumas, and implicit memories.  While the limbic system plays a critical role in keeping us safe, without the wise prefrontal cortex online to soothe and talk us down from losing our bundle, our old protective patterns and conditioned behaviours will start showing up.  We are very creative as humans, so our protective behaviours could look anything like withdrawing from our partners, controlling, demanding love, angrily pursuing our partners, distracting ourselves with addictions, raging and so on.

And depending on our history, the more your partner does their dysfunction/protective behaviour, the more likely you are to play out your dysfunction/protective behaviour.  Needless to say, this is when a lot of couples separate or find themselves in the same pattern for years…resigned to the fact that this is how relationships are.

So how do couples move through this stage without losing the relationship or suffering for years?

•  Increase self-awareness – this means we don’t just blame our partner when they have triggered us, rather, we get curious about why we are feeling this. What is this really about?

• Learn and practice what it means to be relational.

• Know the body – get familiar with feeling triggered in the body.  When we get to know the whoosh in our body right before we are about to flip our lid, we can slow it down and make more relational choices in responding to our partners.

• Get to know how we do relationships when we’re at our worst, for example, “when I’m overwhelmed, I tend to become controlling and I’m on my partner’s case”.

• Adopt self-compassion as a practice.  

• Get skilled in good communication – learn how to give feedback well (it can make the world of difference!) and also how to receive it.

• Learn the art of repair.

Of course, if you feel like you’re not able to move through this together, get support and book a session with me. 

This stage is crucial because it offers an opportunity for growth and self-awareness. It is a time to confront unresolved issues, learn about and understand each other, upskill communication, learn conflict resolution skills and understand what it means to be relational. Couples who successfully navigate this stage often emerge with a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other.

True Intimacy

True Intimacy is the ultimate goal which is characterised by understanding, emotional intimacy, connection, and mutual growth.  In this stage, couples have developed a strong foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety.  They have learned to communicate effectively, manage conflicts constructively, and support each other's growth as individuals. This stage is marked by a deep emotional bond, shared values, and a sense of partnership.

While conflicts and challenges will arise, couples in this stage have the tools and resilience to navigate them together.  In this stage, partners develop a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other.

They recognise that no relationship is perfect and embrace the imperfections and complexities that come with long-term commitment. 

Couples focus on fostering emotional intimacy, vulnerability, continued personal growth and they prioritise maintaining a healthy balance between individual needs, the needs of the relationship, and shared goals. This stage requires ongoing effort, effective communication, and a commitment to nurturing relational esteem.

Understanding these stages can provide a helpful framework for couples to navigate the challenges and joys of relationships. By recognising the normalcy of the Disillusionment/Disharmony stage and actively working towards a deeper connection and love, couples can foster a strong and fulfilling partnership that stands the test of time.  If you need support navigating the challenges of your relationship, get in touch for relationship therapy Cairns.