The Art of Relationship Repair and Growth: My approach to working with couples

In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, the value of relationships has never been more apparent. We all long for meaningful connections with our partners, friends, family, and children.

However, in a culture that often prioritizes individualism and self-centeredness, many of us lack the necessary skills to truly nurture and develop these relationships.

As a therapist, I have dedicated myself to bridging this gap and empowering my clients with the tools they need to build strong and intimate connections. I do this through my foundation of Gestalt psychotherapy, my ongoing study with my mentor Terry Real, through the Relational Life Therapy Institute, utilising an attachment lens and I foster real and lasting change through educationg my couples in interpersonal neurobiology. 

In this blog, I want to share with you a little about how I might work with you and your partner and also how I differ from more traditional couples therapy.

From Shame to Healthy Self-Esteem:

Traditional therapy has made significant strides in helping individuals move out of shame and develop healthier self-esteem. However, it has often overlooked another aspect of self-esteem disorders: grandiosity. Recognizing the importance of addressing both shame and grandiosity, my approach focuses on restoring healthy self-esteem in each partner. By helping individuals reconnect with their authentic selves—their feelings, needs, and desires—we lay the foundation for building a stronger and more intimate connection with their partner. This process is especially crucial when working with men, who may struggle with covert issues of shame, and women, who may experience covert grandiosity due to societal expectations. By addressing these dynamics head-on, we create a space for healing, personal growth, and the cultivation of genuine intimacy.

Moving Beyond Traditional Therapy:

In traditional therapy, the cardinal rule is often not to take sides. However, relationship problems are rarely evenly balanced, and it is essential to restore equilibrium by siding with the disempowered partner. In my practice, I strive to find leverage—the positive or negative consequences that motivate clients to engage in therapy—right from the first session. This approach allows me to be more direct and assertive, and support clients to understand and transform the patterns that are keeping them in misery. By establishing leverage, we create a framework for change and open the door to rapid and substantive transformations. This departure from traditional therapy rules may be unconventional, but it allows us to break free from stagnant patterns and catalyze positive change in relationships.

 Unleashing the Power of Relational Mindfulness:

One of the core skills I teach my clients is Relational Mindfulness, which involves moving beyond knee-jerk, automatic responses and cultivating thoughtful, considered responses. It is the ability to shift from triggered adaptive child reactions to the wise adult part of ourselves.

By becoming aware of the negative patterns and dynamics at play in their relationships, individuals gain the power to choose their responses consciously rather than acting on autopilot.

This shift is not only a psychological transformation but also a spiritual one, as individuals learn to parent and nurture their wounded inner child. It is a journey of self-recovery and self-reliance, empowering individuals to take responsibility for their own healing and letting go of the notion that someone else can rescue them. By embracing Relational Mindfulness, clients discover the healing potential within themselves and embark on a path towards greater relational fulfillment.

Equality in Therapy:

In my therapeutic approach, I reject the traditional hierarchical roles of therapist and client. Instead, I see myself as a fellow traveller, accompanying my clients on their journey of growth and transformation. By sharing my own experiences and judiciously self-disclosing, I establish a sense of camaraderie and understanding. Clients appreciate knowing that I have faced similar challenges and that the skills I teach them are not just theoretical but practical tools that I apply in my own life. This relational equality creates a safe and supportive environment, where clients feel empowered to explore and embrace vulnerability.

The therapeutic relationship becomes a partnership based on mutual respect, empathy, and collaboration. By fostering this equality, we create a space where clients can be truly seen, heard, and validated, facilitating deeper healing and growth

Nurturing and cultivating healthy relationships is a lifelong endeavour that requires dedication, self-reflection, and the acquisition of essential skills. In my therapy practice, I have witnessed the transformative power of empowering clients, building alliances, embracing Relational Mindfulness, and fostering equality. By integrating these principles into my work, I have seen countless couples make remarkable progress in their relationships.

If you are interested in enhancing your relationships, please get in contact with me.  By embracing the journey of empowerment and connection, we pave the way for more fulfilling and meaningful relationships in a world that yearns for authentic human connection.