Unhealthy Self-Esteem: Is It Ruining Your Relationship?
Self-esteem, the way we perceive ourselves and our worth, is a complex and ever-evolving aspect of our lives. It plays a significant role in shaping our thoughts, behaviours, and interactions with the world around us. And what I mean by the world around us is…essentially all of our relationships…the relationship we have with ourselves, our partners, our children, our parents, friendships and work relationships. While a healthy level of self-esteem can empower us to achieve our goals and navigate life's challenges, it's essential to recognise that there are both healthy and unhealthy aspects to self-esteem. I have explored healthy self-esteem previously so I’m going to focus on the three unhealthy self-esteem patterns we can fall in to…they are, performance-based esteem, attribute-based esteem and other-based self-esteem!
It's pretty normal if, as you’re reading you find yourself relating to each of them – I know all three show up for me at different times – sometimes I’ve found the trifecta lurking around the dark corners of my life! And, there’s no shame in these right?! Unhealthy patterns of self-esteem is like a drug - it feels so good and there’s nothing else like it but then it fades away and we need more!
So, why is it important to know about the unhealthy ways we build our esteem? Simply…so we can avoid doing it! When we know better, we do better as Maya Angelou famously quoted.
When we build our self-esteem around performance, attribute and other-based esteems, it means we can be brought to our knees with constantly feeling like we have to perform, work harder and longer, do more/get more in our relationships, get stronger, slimmer etc. The thing is…when our self-esteem is built on any one (or a combo) of the three unhealthy self-esteem patterns, no matter what we do, it will never be enough – because even when we’ve got the ‘thing’, we’re then terrified of losing it. When our self-esteem is in poor form, we have a tendency to go into shame or because shame feels so rubbish, we unconsciously flip it and move into grandiosity – both shame and grandiosity are states of contempt. When we are in shame, we feel contempt for ourselves…when we are in grandiosity, we feel contempt for others – heavy right..! Shame’s no fun for us and grandiosity isn’t fun for anyone else!
Why do we fall prey to these unhealthy patterns…?
Sometimes because we lack self-worth…sometimes it’s because we were appreciated and seen when we were younger for being smart, saving money, being the best soccer player, and so on…and sometimes it’s because of the type of society we live in…where we have to have more and be more…and sometimes it’s a dirty cocktail of them all.
Just quickly, before we move on to finding what our fave patterns of unhealthy esteem are, I think it’s important to note that self-esteem is different to self-worth…self-esteem is more context-specific, shaped by how we perceive our abilities and accomplishments in various areas of life. Self-worth on the other hand, is an unconditional sense of self-respect that remains steadfast, irrespective of our successes or failures, strengths or weaknesses. It is a deep-rooted understanding that we are inherently valuable and deserving of love, respect, and compassion solely by virtue of our existence.
Performance-Based Self-Esteem
Performance-based self-esteem centres on tying our self-worth to achievements, success, and external validation. Individuals with this type of self-esteem often equate their value as a person with their accomplishments. When they succeed, they feel a temporary boost in self-worth, but their confidence crumbles in the face of failure.
Having our self-esteem linked to performance-based esteem can mean that we are hamstrung by needing to get things right all of the time and/or failing to try new things because we’re probably going to be a little rubbish at it… It can also mean that we are constantly striving toward something and once we achieve this thing, we start on the next thing… can anyone relate? I know when I worked out my self-esteem was linked to performance some time back, I realised I was wanting to get a PhD not because I really wanted to, but because I was wanting to prove to the Self-Esteem Police (they’re invisible and no-one knows who they are) that I was good-enough – thankfully I let that one go! Now, I always (in reality…when I’m aware-enough) check in with myself around whether I’m choosing to do something because I want to…or because there is a feeling of inadequacy behind it…
In relationships, performance-based self-esteem can lead to a constant need for approval and fear of failure. This can create anxiety and pressure on both partners, potentially causing strain and conflict. Moreover, a person's self-worth can become contingent on their partner's validation, which can lead to co-dependency.
Attribute-Based Self-Esteem
Attribute-based self-esteem is based on specific traits, talents, or physical appearance. For those of us who lean on this type of self-esteem, we believe our worth lies in possessing certain qualities or characteristics. We might feel good about ourselves when praised for our appearance, intelligence, or talents but struggle when these attributes are criticised or not acknowledged.
Attribute-based esteem is ripe in our society! We are bombarded with images of what it means to be wanted/loved/desired and while attribute-based esteem is typically associated with females, men are just as likely to fall under its spell. It would be remiss of me not to mention the role that mainstream media and social media play in reinforcing attribute-based esteem…AND more so in regards to the dating app scene – ouch.
In relationships, attribute-based self-esteem can lead to insecurity and jealousy. The fear of not living up to the perceived ideal can create a constant need for reassurance, and even minor criticisms can be deeply hurtful. This type of self-esteem might also hinder vulnerability and emotional intimacy, as individuals may fear that exposing flaws will lead to rejection.
Other-Based Self-Esteem
Other-based self-esteem relies heavily on seeking approval and validation from others. Those of us with this type of self-esteem tend to prioritize other people's opinions over their own, leading to a diminished sense of self. When we base our self-esteem on the ‘other’, we can, what I refer to as shape-shift – where we become what we feel the other wants us to be – so they don’t leave us… Depending on where you might be on the other-based esteem spectrum, having our self-esteem solely built on the affection of others, can mean that how we feel (good, bad, depressed, etc) is at the whim of how others feel about us. It totally sucks. We might sacrifice our needs and desires to please others, leading to feelings of neglect and resentment.
In relationships, other-based self-esteem can result in constant people-pleasing behaviour (I’ll do anything for your approval and recognition) and a lack of boundaries (can look like demanding love on one end and accepting unacceptable behaviour in our relationships, on the other end) – not a good combo for feeling good on the inside! Moreover, the lack of self-assurance can lead to an imbalance of power in the relationship, with one partner having a disproportionate influence.
Unhealthy self-esteem, whether performance-based, attribute-based, or other-based, can have detrimental effects on our sense of self and subsequently, our relationships. Knowing where we might fit with these three patterns, can bring more awareness to how we do our life and relationships. Practising self-awareness and self-compassion are no magic pills that dissolve the euphoria that unhealthy self-esteem offers us, but they are tried and true ways to a more sustainable feeling of goodness on the inside. Moreover, developing healthy self-esteem allows for emotional intimacy, mutual respect, effective communication, and personal growth within the relationship. By prioritising self-acceptance and self-worth, we can form stronger connections with ourselves, our partners, family, colleagues and so on, leading to more ease and joy in our lives. If this resonates with you, feel free to write to me and let me know or if you would like support, you can reach out an make an appointment for Cairns Counselling and Psychotherapy right here.