Things I Have Learnt That I Never Want to Forget…Personal Reflections On My Failings and Learnings in Relationship.

Relationships - amazingly beautiful, joyous…heart breaking, challenging, frustrating, crushing…supportive…sometimes all at the same time… 

Relationships have always fascinated me, mostly from the perspective of, ‘how do I do them well’, and the different perspectives of people who work in the field has always been bedtime reading for me.  I knew when I was studying Gestalt psychotherapy and counselling, I was going to focus on relationships.  It’s really important, raw, sacred and rewarding work.  From my perspective, if I can help couples be better resourced to understand their relationship and individual patterns, how to soothe themselves when their lids are flipped and how to repair from ruptures; children will learn via osmosis, the characteristics of a healthy relationship, which will shape their entire lives, leading to more connected families, communities and society.  

But where was I…? Ahh yes, my failings in my relationship.  I’ve titled this post “Things I never want to forget” because I had learnt a couple of them previously but somehow even though they were super important to me - I forgot, and slipped back into old patterns of behaviour. I wrote this list after my partner and I decided to take some space from each other and I placed it on the fridge so that I had a constant reminder of how important he is to me and secondly, so I didn’t easily slip back into unconscious and hurtful ways of being in the relationship.  I’m sharing this list with you for two reasons, 1) to help me remember and 2) in the hope that it might inspire you to take a closer look at the ways you show up in your relationship.  Learning and recognising these things about myself was really hard and I was devastated that my unconscious behaviours were hurting my partner and I felt pretty flat for some time.  So, in saying that, it’s really important that you do this with a great deal of self-compassion.  I’m reminded of Maya Angelou’s quote, “when you know better, you do better”.   

Some of the learnings below are so subtle that they’re easy to miss and I’m bound to let some of them rise to the surface when I’m either not being very conscious or when my lid is flipped.  So being able to repair well, own your stuff and be kind is also really important!   

Here they are…things I’ve learnt in relationship that I never want to forget…

1.     Being right or needing to make a point is not worth upsetting the man you love and creating distance between you. 

2.     Always…always take as many breaths as you need and sleep on everything.  Nothing is as bad as it seems the next day.   

3.     Cleaning the house or any other thing perfect way you feel things have to be done, don’t matter.  They are things you have created in your mind to help you feel safe and in control and they mean nothing compared to having the love of your life beside you and happy.  

4.     It’s more than likely the decision you feel you have to make is part of a story you have created that allows you to feel in control of your life or a story that you have aligned with, based on societal constructs and expectations.  Choose him every time.

5.     More often than not, all of the study you have completed will create blind spots and you will unconsciously think you know more than your partner.  You don’t.  Listen to what he is trying to communicate to you and dial the ego down.  

6.     Your partner is his own beautiful self with his own way of doing life which has worked out wonderfully for him, and allowed him to become the man you love - he does not need to become more like you.  You do life differently which creates a beautiful richness in your relationship when you’re not trying to have things done your way…

7.     Other people give advice based on their own experiences and world view. Don’t allow it to become yours and influence how you do your life or your relationship. 

 Relationship therapy and counselling can help support you to uncover unconscious patterns that are showing up in your relationship so you can access more joy and ease in your relationship.

Thanks to Michael Fenton on Unsplash for the photo.