Cultivating Deeper Connection: How to Create Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship
There are four main types of intimacy that help us to feel close and connected to our partners. There is physical intimacy (hugging, hand holding, the brush on the shoulder etc), sexual intimacy (needs no explanation), intellectual intimacy (geeking out together on mutually geeky stuff), spiritual intimacy (shared sense of spirituality) and emotional intimacy (sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities). Couples don’t need to tick all of these intimacy boxes for their relationship to be the best ever but there is one that, in my opinion is super important – emotional intimacy. We are going to focus on creating greater emotional intimacy because it’s the glue that keeps you together when sexual and physical intimacy aren’t available for whatever reason and more importantly, as humans, we are wired to feel connected.
Many of us, in relationship, want to feel deeply connected to our partners but sometimes, we need support to help us know what it means to be genuinely close and how to create it. In this article, we'll explore the three crucial ingredients essential for intimacy: accountability, empathy, and vulnerability, and how they can strengthen the connection between you and your partner.
What Does It Mean to be “Relational”?
Most of us have to learn how to be relational. Relationships are like an ecosystem – they are a complex system made up of each individuals history (including behaviours learnt from caregivers, traumas, expectations, values etc), culture, religious orientations, education, socioeconomic background and so on…trying to function together in a loving, harmonious environment. Just like an ecosystem, all the parts influence the whole. In other words, how we show up in our relationship from day to day has a significant influence on the overall health of our relationship and subsequently, how we feel on the inside from day to day. Being relational means, putting your relationship needs as a priority…it means having a relational lens on and asking yourself, “is this thing I’m about to say going to allow me to feel more connected to my partner, or is it going to piss them off and push them further away from me?”
To make this even more challenging, people often have different ideas about what it means to be relational. For example, with respect to love languages, Partner A might believe that showing up with flowers and chocolates proves that they are being relational, while Partner B craves that their partner would share how they feel with them… Or one person might be frustrated that their ‘relationality’ is being rejected when their partner doesn’t want sex. These differences in perception can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and strain in a relationship.
A truly intimate adult relationship requires the maturity (which is the result of practice and experience) to know when and how to be empathic, vulnerable, and/or accountable.
The Three Ingredients of Intimacy
To nurture a more profound connection in your relationship, it's essential to understand the significance of three fundamental pillars: accountability, empathy, and vulnerability.
1. Accountability
We are all imperfect beings, we all mess up, and being relational means acknowledging this. Accountability serves as the solid foundation upon which a thriving relationship is built. It involves taking responsibility for your actions, acknowledging your mistakes, and actively working to make amends. In the context of your relationship, being accountable means being honest with both yourself and your partner. It's about admitting when you've made a mistake, offering a sincere apology, and committing to personal growth. When both partners hold themselves accountable, trust and transparency flourish, paving the way for a deeper connection.
Self-esteem work is essential to accountability; we need to be able to separate our behaviour from our personhood. Shame-based people will often take the blame for relational ruptures more than they should or they will tend to defend themselves while grandiose people are happy deflect (“what about the other day when you did XYZ”) or to dump the blame on someone else. Relational ruptures aren’t always 50-50; joining through the truth, being accountable to ourselves first, and then our partners, is the first step in setting the stage for accountability work.
Practical Tips for Practicing Accountability as a Couple
Embrace imperfection: Foster a relational environment of imperfection. Create a space where you can be kind to yourselves and each other when your behaviour is uncool.
Address it and then drop it: Don’t make your partner pay over and over for the un-coolness of their behaviour. This also encourages each partner to own their stuff because they understand they won’t be punished forever after.
Self-awareness: Get to know yourself, your triggers and what your behaviours are like (do you shut down, rage, defend, attack etc) when you are triggered. Our partners unfortunately get the worst of us at times so learning what our blinds spots are can mean we are more open to receiving feedback from our partners, owning our stuff and moving back into connection.
Learning and Growing Together: Rather than dwelling on past errors, focus on what you both can learn from them. Identify any patterns and work together to make positive changes in your relationship.
2. Empathy
Empathy, the ability to understand and share each other's feelings, is a powerful tool in nurturing intimacy as a couple. It involves not only listening but also understanding each other's emotions, concerns, and perspectives. Empathy enables you to connect on a profound level, fostering emotional closeness. It is where I feel you, feeling me. It’s a beautiful thing – it’s the in-between space of communication. By actively practicing empathy, you demonstrate that you deeply care about your partner's well-being, building a foundation of trust and emotional support.
Empathy is not problem solving. Empathy is “being with”, rather than trying to change another’s experience. I often use this image to describe the difference between problem solving and empathy… Imagine your mate down the bottom of a dark hole and they’re scared and feeling alone – problem solving is yelling at them from the top of the hole to hurry up and get out because the weather is beautiful today…or at least you’re in that hole and not that other one…or quick get on the ladder and get up here… Empathy is climbing down the ladder and sitting beside them and asking if they want to talk about how dark the hole is.
Practical Tips for Cultivating Empathy as a Couple
Learn the Art of Listening: When your partner speaks, listen attentively without interrupting. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure you understand your partner's perspective
Practice Perspective-Taking: Put yourselves in each other's shoes. Consider how your partner might be feeling and why. This exercise helps you connect on a deeper level.
Get Curious: There is nothing better than being curious about your mate. Even when you can’t possibly feel that you understand where your partner is coming from, practise your curiosity. For example, “What’s the like for you?” “When you feel like that, what happens next?” Encourage each other to share thoughts and feelings by asking open-ended questions. Avoid yes-or-no queries, as they limit the conversation.
Validate Emotions: Acknowledge each other's feelings, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. Validating emotions shows respect for each other's perspectives.
Express Affection: Show affection and appreciation regularly. Small gestures of kindness can go a long way in demonstrating empathy and care for each other.
3. Vulnerability
Vulnerability is, by definition, risky. It takes courage, and a person needs to consciously work with their natural nervousness and their fear of being hurt. Vulnerability is key in working towards deep connection and intimacy in your relationship. It is the courage to be open and honest about your feelings, fears, and insecurities. Vulnerability requires stripping away the masks you may wear to reveal your authentic selves to each other. When both partners allow themselves to be vulnerable, you create a safe space where genuine emotions can flourish. It's in these moments of vulnerability that true connection and intimacy thrive.
Practical Tips for Embracing Vulnerability as a Couple
Experiment with Small Acts of Vulnerability: Begin by sharing less sensitive thoughts and emotions with each other. Gradually work your way up to more vulnerable discussions.
Build Trust: Vulnerability is closely linked to trust. It is really important that any vulnerability shared by each other is not used against the person in the future – this is a golden rule - and this includes the things that happen in therapy or what I might say in therapy!! Create a trustworthy environment where both of you feel safe sharing your innermost thoughts.
Be Honest with Yourselves: Before you can be vulnerable with each other, you must be honest with yourselves. Reflect on your feelings and fears, and be willing to confront them.
Encourage Mutual Vulnerability: Lead by example. When one of you opens up, it encourages the other to do the same. It's a reciprocal process that deepens intimacy.
By incorporating these principles into your relationship, you can create a foundation of trust, emotional connection, and authenticity that will strengthen and deepen your connection over time. Remember, it's not about grand gestures or fleeting moments; it's about the enduring connection built on a foundation of authenticity and understanding. If you feel like you need support to create more intimacy in your relationship, you can book here or find out more here.